To begin with, the very way we address relationships and the pronounces we use when we talk about them is toxic. George Harrison’s song I Me Mine comes to mind. Poignantly enough, this was also the last song recorded by The Beatles before the band dissolved due to issues with their egos.
The same problem plagues most relationships. Saying my husband, my wife, my marriage, my partner, my relationship…, implies ownership and such a stance can lead to major ego-related problems. From that, nasty things such as jealousy, possessiveness, obsession, dependency as well as controlling and manipulative behavior start to grow.
Nobody likes to be owned and nobody has a right to own anybody. That kind of attitude is the exact opposite of love. In love, true and real love, you are willing to set the other free, for you want them to be happy. You don’t lock them in a cage and try to prevent them from living their life in accordance with their true will. You don’t see them as something mine.
I knew a woman who said that if her husband ever leaves her for another, all hell would break loose and she would strip him of everything she could. She was fine with the idea of him leaving her because they grew apart, but NOT leaving her for another woman. Yet how is leaving her and leaving her for another woman different when the end result is the same?
This is a typical ego issue. It’s immature, much like a child who is no longer interested in a toy until some other child comes along and starts playing with it — then the toy instantly becomes mine. So for the aforementioned wife, it’s all fine and good as long as the husband is alone and miserable instead of being happy with somebody else.
It’s not just women, of course, who suffer from this problem. Men are no better and often worse. Some are even capable of killing their wives o girlfriends just because they caught them cheating.
This goes so far that in some countries that are run by men and religious fanaticism, the societies allow for brutal public execution of women and children who had sex with a man other than their husband even if they were raped.
When you love and respect a person, you don’t do evil things to them and you certainly don’t kill them. Shockingly enough, such inhuman treatment of people due to their sexuality isn’t rare. There are numerous Islamic countries that sanction brutal punishment of women for being raped. We are talking about millions of people who are subject to such laws and not a couple of isolated cases.
We might not go that far in the West, but the same underlying desire to control sexuality and force a spouse or partner into faithfulness regardless of circumstances, is alive and well here too. Those kinds of relationships are toxic. Faithfulness is worth nothing if it isn’t voluntary, just like using the term love as another name for jealousy and possessiveness isn’t really love. It’s the opposite of it.